Recovery
I'm writing this in case there are other girls out there struggling with not feeling like they are living up to what they "should" be and don't know what that is, as a testament to the fact that who you are is enough.
I know you've heard it before, I've heard it before too and just never believed it in my heart.
I'll try to keep this short.
So, I've been very blessed my whole life. Growing up, I always had a sense that where I was and what I was doing was fine, for now, but that some day I was going to have to "figure it out". Do you know what I mean? Someone is always telling us to "figure it out". Asking "what do you want to be when you grow up?" Well, I still don't have the answer.
I went to college thinking that would be the place and time where I'd get all my answers. And I graduated still having no clue! I changed jobs over and over because it wasn't what I was "supposed" to be doing. I moved around a few times trying to find that magical situation that I knew was out there, but I couldn't quite put my finger on it.
Here's the point where I hit a bottom. Frankly, I got smacked down hard. I was suddenly, extremely, paralyzingly ill and engaged to a man that I couldn't bear the thought of living with, but so filled with fear that I'd fall apart without him that I clung to a sinking ship. Then I gave up. I quit my job, cancelled the wedding and cocooned in my house praying for a miracle. That miracle came in the form of a diagnosis (celiac disease) and my physical recovery was dynamic. My emotional recovery is still taking some time.
Anyway, I started out slow. Got a job close to home, making much less than I had been 9 months earlier - but I felt like it was all I could handle, and not even sure of that! But, I did, and things got better.
I was still struggling though. Constantly questioning who I was, what I was supposed to do and always "why me?" I very much felt like a victim of life. And so scared.
Then I saw a tweet about Gabby, got the ~ing book and she just resonated with me. I desperately needed to hear what was in those pages to start recovering spiritually. I still have a lot of work to do, but I've healed a lot too :)
Last week was proof to me. I was sitting in days of meetings, watching presentations by the managers of every vertical, horizontal and product offering in the company, desperately trying to figure out where I should go to next in my career with no pull in any direction. The last day my ~ing, I believe it is God, whispered to me and said that I was doing just what I'm supposed to be and to not worry, the next assignment will come naturally. I thought that being random task girl was not good enough, but what I heard clearly is that being able to manage those things is my gift. That being me, the girl who can handle what is put in front of her and moves on to the next, is ok. I actually started hearing and believing my boss when he said I am the glue that holds the team together. I quit thinking it was false flattery. When the other guys on the team praised me, my mind opened and I quit thinking it was a manipulation.
I'm a little ashamed at how jaded I had become. And embarrassed that I felt like I had to troll the company begging for a new opportunity that I may not even have wanted, because I was judging myself so harshly.
Then this week, I took off for some much needed R&R and had tons of exciting plans. Then woke up Monday morning with vertigo so bad I couldn't leave the house. I was crushed and thought my vacation was ruined. Cancelled my plans and started to consider the week a failure and basically counted it as sick leave in my mind. Then, I prayed. Today, I found myself sitting in a chair feeling down that I wasn't off doing something "fabulous" and I realized that I was actually handed such a blessing. I was...happy!!
I was sitting there, no obligations, no pressures, well rested, watching a movie with a purring kitty in my lap and not a single thing to worry about (except for some dizziness). So what, if I didn't get a beach tan or have a ton of pictures and wild stories to show for my week off? I have peace. I have taken care of the ton of chores that I haven't had time to do in months too. Isn't that a good thing? Why should I worry about how other people will judge me for spending my vacation time? In reality, it's me judging that I'm not doing my vacation "right".
So, like I said - my mental recovery is still happening, probably will for a long time to come. But, if you are feeling like you aren't enough, aren't doing what you're supposed to be but you don't know what it is - I hope you read this and know, it's ok to just be you and do what you do. There is value in that! Try not to let whatever random notions you picked up somewhere about what is "supposed" to be frustrate you every day, like I did. You will be guided to the work you are supposed to do if you are willing. I know now that I have been.
My prayer every morning before I meditate:
"Dear God, please guide me to do your will and give me the health, strength and power to do it."
I have faith that staying in town this week is part of my purpose. I don't know what it is I'm going to do or have done that was more important than that tan, but I will not feel sorry for myself about it and instead look for the good that comes of it.
Needless to say, I'm grateful for all of Gabby's work and constant coaching through vlogs and recorded lectures that has really kept me on track. I'm also so grateful to all the love and support I've received on Herfuture and I only hope that I can give back half as much.
My gratitude list is long this week and getting longer!
Love to you all!
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Comment
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Comment by Jenny Sansouci on April 27, 2011 at 1:51pm -
You've been featured in this week's Blogs We Dig! Thank you for sharing this amazing blog!
http://www.herfuture.com/group/blogswedig/forum/topics/blogs-we-dig...
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Comment by Shanna on April 27, 2011 at 1:37pm -
Such a brave post, thank you for sharing.
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Comment by Tara Aims on April 27, 2011 at 12:55pm -
thank you for expressing yourself so clearly in this blog, it really hit home for me today!
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Comment by Gabrielle Bernstein Inc. on April 27, 2011 at 10:41am -
THANK YOU for sharing this. I am grateful for you too sister!
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Comment by Hannah on April 27, 2011 at 2:23am -
This is a really beautiful post, Cocoa ... I hope you don't mind, I pulled out my Louise Hay Body Healing book and opened it up to "vertigo" .. it's listed as "flighty scattered thinking, a refusal to look." the new thought-pattern/affirmation is: "I am deeply centered and peaceful in life. It is safe for me to be alive and joyous." Wow. This is all so true for me as well! This issue of feeling enough is is so key. Because we hear it, and we know it sounds true but it doesn't always sink in. I love that you received the wisdom that you were just where you are supposed to be.. as opposed to always *doing* something, and feeding into that cycle. You are right..we are enough. I am willing to trust that where I am in each moment is right. And why is is right? Because we are enough, so how could it not be?? Thanks, Cocoa! You are getting it all right in perfect order. My prayers for your healing xoxoxo
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